My Story

My Story

When I was four I listened to my mom reading the story about Christ dying for me. In tears, I accepted the gift God was giving me. Jesus Christ took my punishment to save me. He was the only way that I could conquer sin, have eternal life, and know God.

Fifteen years after I first trusted Christ I knew I was saved for eternity but my life was still stuck in sin. I had tried and tried and tried and tried and tried.  I strained to right my world through my actions, other people, and stuff but they only made me angry and depressed. They all failed, led to pain, fear, frustration, guilt, and failure, again and again. An associate later described me as a Bible Barbie. I had all the knowledge and appearance but something was very wrong.

Friendship failed me again. I fell apart and tried to hide. Bitterness spewed out. Then someone shared hope. Confess wrong, ask for and give forgiveness, and surrender all to God?

Could I be real and admit I had done wrong? Could I be real to myself, God, and others? Could I acknowledge I needed forgiveness? Could I admit that the burden of this life was too much for me and that I needed God’s help?

My peers, friends, enemies, and former friends were confessing wrong and asking for forgiveness. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe they were admitting these things in front of everyone. I was challenged to my core.

On my knees surrounded by my peers I silently called out to God, admitted my sin and gave it to Him. I accepted His forgiveness and love. A huge weight was lifted off of me. I could physically feel heaviness taken away. Then God was speaking to my heart telling me, “I love you just the way you are!” “You don’t have to do anything.” “Rest in me.”

I knew I was saved because of the Holy Spirit confirming that in my life but I had been a Christian living under the weight of my sin. Now, I really began to taste life, beginning to savor an abundant life in Christ. It arose from surrender. I couldn’t even describe the new felt joy and freedom except to say that I was beginning to understand grace, God’s favor for me that I did nothing to deserve.

As this door to hope and new life creaked open in flowed God’s love through grace. Soon God provided a tangible expression of this love in the beginnings of romance with, David, my husband. I couldn’t believe how David cared, waited, pursued, and loved me. We married, finished school, worked, and then children.

Motherhood was the new task to conquer. Little did I know what it was about to conquer in me. So many fears and expectations, “Who do I think I should be and do?”, “What do others and God expect?” About a year after birthing my second child the fear, failure, pain, frustration, and guilt were crushing me. I was such a failure that I thought my family would be better off without me. If I could just leave, that would rid my family of the burden of me.

I spoke the leaving words to David and he was astonished. “NO! That's not true. Don't leave! We will work things out. Stay.” This surprised me. I had had it all worked out. Wasn’t what I had planned truly the best for everyone? Through more words from David and others I began to see it wasn’t. Lies had so completely inundated my life I didn’t even know what the truth was. Others also helped me realize the lies and anger I had turned inward were depression and I needed help.

So, what next? Depression was being medicated but life would not continue in lies. I felt so weak and weary. I needed truth simple and clear. I turned to God’s Word, the Bible. This truth had been poured into me all of my life but I had not chosen to pursue it for myself. It had seemed like one more thing to fail at. Now I either chose truth or I would be destroyed by the lies.

I didn’t even know where to start, so I started at the beginning of a read through the Bible in one year. This first time through took me three to four years to finish. I didn't understand a lot of what I was reading but it has and is making a difference. Over time, it was like pulling off the layers of an onion only God was pulling off layers of lies in my life through His Word. This process has given me new freedom, healing, and joy like I have never known.

It has now been over eight years since my almost exit from my family. I’m nearly done with another read through the Bible. We have three more children and a dream to homestead.  I daily cling to life through reading the Word. I am learning how to live this life by getting to know God, my Father, and Jesus my Savior, through the help of the Holy Spirit in me. I have a passion that I would love for us to share… to seek the Truth, know the Truth, and walk in the TRUTH!